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I was in the temple talking to a friend
when someone came up to us to let us know that the mother of Venerable
Zhen Xin had just passed away this morning. It interrupted our conversation,
and in an instant, many-many thoughts went through my mind. Venerable
Zhen Xin is a devoted Buddhist Nun of this temple. She had organized
many religious and welfare activities for this temple. I know, she
is very close to her mother, as she used to mention her mother in
our more casual conversations, I remembered asking her about how
she became a nun. She mentioned that at first her mother did not
agree to her being a nun. However, over a period of time she was
fortunate that her mother finally consented to her being a nun.
Suddenly there were a lot of questions about death in my mind. Something
I do not usually think of normally. There are some things that we
all do know, “death is certain, life is uncertain”, and always changing.
Also people’s belief about death differs depending on their culture
or religion.
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Death happens to all living things, from a beautiful
rose bush to aphids, ants, lizards, cats, dogs and people too. The
life of a butterfly may last just a day, but when it dies, we find
that this death is totally natural. The life of a coconut tree might
last tens of years just like people, and its death is natural too.
I remembered when I was young and living in a Malay village, an
old lady told me and my friends that she is as old as a coconut
tree which she proudly points out. Her father planted it on the
day she was born. I also remembered that when she passed away, but
the coconut tree lived on. The coconut tree was still alive when
I moved out of the village a few years later. As hard and unfair
as it may seem, everything that is alive right now will die someday.
I also remembered younger, bigger and stronger coconut trees being
struck by lightning. Irrespective whether it is unexpected or for
a long time to come, happening like this when someone or something
is young or old, death is part of what it means to live. I find
that when I remind myself of life and death, death does not seem
quite so scary.
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My thoughts came back to the present as my friend inquired on who
is collecting the “po jin”, or a form of bereavement contribution,
and token of respect, to be given to the family of the deceased.
It is a culture for us to make a contribution. I was not really
paying attention to the conversations of my friends. My thoughts
were somewhere else. “Death is not temporary. It is forever. If
you have lost someone close to you, these basic facts might be very,
very hard to accept, and it might take a long time for you to totally
understand them. But the earlier you accept the truth, the sooner
you can begin working through all of the difficult emotions that
death brings. Understanding these facts, and accepting them, is
important for all of us. But the earlier you accept the truth, the
sooner you can begin working through all of the difficult emotions
that death brings. So how can you get your brain to accept something
that's so hard and so painful to believe? OK! I thought, firstly
be honest with the facts, know what has happened and do not try
to hide or change the truth. Don't think magically or hope for miracles.
Stay involved as much as I can. When someone dies, there is a period
when families must do many special and important things, from having
relatives over to planning funerals. One may not always be at the
center of these activities, but it can help a lot if one stay connected
to them instead of shutting oneself off. The more one gets involved,
the more one will understand the reality of what has happened, and
the sooner one might be able to start dealing with it. Understanding
that death is universal, permanent, is just the first step in dealing
with the loss of someone you love. For some people, it happens quickly,
while for others it may take a very long time. The grieving process
has no schedules or time limits. Everybody is unique, so everybody
grieves a little differently and for different periods of time.
But parts of the grieving process are common to most of us: Do not
allow it to lead to depression. The dictionary gives the meaning
of grief very graphically. grief: noun 1. intense sorrow caused
by loss of a loved one (especially by death) 2. something that causes
great unhappiness
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Everybody faces the situation differently, but there are some things
you can count on that will, with time, help make it easier to go
forward: Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Funerals and
memorial services exist so we can say goodbye and pay tribute to
the person who died, and this can be a very important step in the
process of grieving. Transference of merits according to the teachings
of the Buddha is a key concept of sharing one’s own merits and virtues
with the deceased. Allow me to quote: “Some of us may ask whether
the effect of evil karma can be changed by repeating the name of
Kuan Yin (Avalokitesvara). This question is tied up with that of
rebirth to Sukhavati, the Pure Land, and it may be answered by saying
that the invocation of Kuan Yin’s name forms another cause which
will right away offset the previous karma.” As an analogy, “We know
for example, that if there is a dark, heavy cloud above, the chances
are that it will rain. But we also know that if a strong wind should
blow, the cloud will be carried away somewhere else and we will
not feel the rain. Similarly, the addition of one big factor can
alter the whole course of karma. It is only by accepting the idea
of life as one whole that both Theravadins and the Mahayanist can
advocate the practice of transference of merits to others. With
the case of Kuan Yin then, by calling on Her name we identify ourselves
with Her and as a result of the identifications, Her merits flows
over to us. These merits, which are now ours, then counterbalance
our bad karma and save us from calamity. The law of cause and effects
still stands good. All that has happened is that a powerful and
immensely good karma has overshadowed the weaker one.” (Lecture
on Kuan Yin by Teoh Eng Soon, Penang Buddhist Association, 1966)
Nobody has all the answers, especially about death and dying. The
truth is, after losing someone important to you, your life will
never be exactly the same.
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